Recent BBQs: ROAD TRIP. ROAD TRIP.
I never lied.
987. The serious world.
Roar... huh?
WEE-KEY

More...

Back from quite a hiatus... Today (ltr) will be grandmother's funeral. Reminds of e time when Ling's grandfather passed away, especially since these're e only 2 funerals tt I've attended within memorable history, and tt both pertain to a Taoist ceremony.

Tonight Last night was e night with all the rituals and prayers and burning of "gold paper" aka kim zhua, and ltr will be the final up lorry part, push lorry part b4 grandmother finally gets cremated and be put to rest.

For e past nights I've been attending the whole wake from an almost detached, observing POV. A few times I asked myself why I wasn't sad. A few time of the few times tt I asked I attributed the nonchalance to being nt really close to this grandmother. But, E other times I followed up and asked again: "Whose demise wld truly c me upset and crying topsy-turvy? Who'd I miss so dearly tt my life wld lose its meaning with him/her gone...?" (y'see, thinking was a great exercise and pastime when you're at a solemn event such as this.)

I was ALWAYS dumbfounded.

The only answer I've can think up of was one I was rather unwilling to tell on: in brevity, it's tt... I'm actually... a very ugly person. By tt I mean my mindset. I've gt too large a burden of unimaginably incorrigible secret mottos tt I live by without anybody knowing, and cuz I cant bring myself to tell anybody these ugly facades of myself, I cant bring myself to devote any true emotions to anybody or anything. I'm untrusting to a fault.

Perhaps... most pple're ugly like tt. Perhaps... I've been waiting for a beautiful one who'd so totally opposite, who'd nt be afraid to be e one to initiate accepting some deceitful beast into her range of emotions. Yet, tt'd be too beautiful to be true. Most pple're ugly like tt... or mabbe instead of ugly... most pple're self-unconfident like tt.