Recent BBQs: I feel lost. Mommy says it's cuz I've grown-up. Wierd's e irony in e regret nw over my childhood dream of growing-up quickly realising.
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Often I wish I was a spoilt brat living in a mansion for a day. I have enuff money to reclaim land with 1000 buck dollars all the way to Brunei, and it dint matter if I dint have frens or that I lived in the solitude, due to parents tt work overseas and a sis tts living in her own whole row of terraces somewhere across the island.

It wunt make a diff from my current life anw, I guess, since most of e pple ard me now make me feel discarded and used anw...

See, here's the "me" in a typical person's mind. I'm a happy-go-lucky, laid-back, unaspiring youth wasting my potential to reach much higher heights. I make the most terrible melodramas and put myself into the protangonist role. I wallop in self-despair and I always see the problems I face, instead of using wad resources I have to come up with a best alternate solution. I'm an idealist and a perfectionist and a bigot who only got in your way as a stumbling block, so you conveniently turned me upside-down, into a stepping stone.

Yay, I'm self-fulfilling e bolded part by walloping in self-despair again. Yet, isnt tt how you see me in e furst place anw?!

Did it occur to anyone tt if I utilise my potential and actually reach the so-called "greater heights", how would you see me then? Stop guessing, I'll tell you. You'd think I'm haughtier and more idealistic and perfectionistic than you see me as now... no? Actually, I dunn really give two hoots. Yay, now I'm insensitive to pple's kindness, go ahead and tell me I need some self-reflection... I expect tt from experience. But, most pple seem to be similarly insensitive in reciprocal anw...

Mabbe instead of reflection I shld jt shut up. I'm sure everyone agrees, right? Everybody has alot on their mind right now, and they're nt complaining... at least nt to me... so I have no right to put these burdens upon them on the flip side of the coin... I shld grow up and earn my own keep.

I noe, out there, some of you are gd frens... I'm jt clouded, I've always been, as to who you are... it's hard to distinguish who's on which side, so I can only choose to be equally nice to everyone, as if they're all true frens, or to be equally mean to all but me, myself and I, as if they're all NOT true frens... I'd always thot I'd rather be kind to my enemies than to act callous to pple who really thot of my interests, so I'd always adopted the first policy. Though, if I were on e right track, why issit then, tt I feel so wrong still? I realised I dunn have anyone I really trust... I have so much to say, all these, I really wanted to confide in someone, anyone, a breathing, feeling, empathic human being, yet I cant find him; when doing Mb's test on my own, my table was just a table, without a single chair ard it...

Or issit becaws I'm so indiscriminant in my outlook, tt it occurs to pple tt they dunn have to take me seriously, since I'll be nice to them anw? Or does it look as if I treat pple frivolously, and turn off pple who try to treat me with the truth of their hearts by making them feel slighted?

At least, if I were wad I'd said I wished to be, the spoilt brat in his tiny little world, I'd noe all my frenships are "bought", and so have no obligations to cherish any single one of them, as "bought" frens are no different from dogs... and I'd be assured tt even if I dunn have frens, I have money, and money is a kind of solid, tangible reassurance of "owning".

Of course, with money comes e dogs too...

But then again, I'd wished to be nearly everything else for a day, save a politician mabbe... I guess it's pointless even if it were possible to do tt, I'd either end up unsatisfied, and daydream of being "it" again, or end up realising I'd not really wanted to be this kind of a person in e first place, and go back to imagine wad I'd truly like to be instead...

Nothing's perfect, I can tell you how to take anything, I repeat ANYTHING, in a cynical way. In the very end, everyone have to realise tt even if the world's unfair, it's unfair in different ways to different pple, and it's unfair to everybody, which makes it, as I've said b4, sorta fair ultimately, in some warped sense... it follows tt life is futile and meaningless, since in fairness there's equality, and in this state of equilibrium, you gain some, you lose some... living on doesnt make you end up any better.

I've been reconciling with tt principle for some time now, I noe I'd come to terms with it some day... it's jt tt, well, I dislike e way my "kind" of unfairness is the scarcity or near non-provison of some kind pple I've come to realise I cherish e most...

It took me awhile b4 I dared to click tt "done!" button to publish this... it's now 02:12 into the silence of the starlit night. I was afraid it'd make me an even lonelier person than I am nw... but I realise I'd rather be lonely, than be a lackey for relationship, and cower at e fear of unpopularity.